6 Tips for Dealing With Manipulative Elderly Parents
There’s a lot of advice out there on how to care for aging parents, but some families need a different kind of help. Some older parents can be manipulative and stress-inducing to their loved ones.
If you’re dealing with a toxic family dynamic because of your elderly parent, you’re not alone. Here’s how you can navigate these stressful relationships in a way that protects your peace with six essential tips.
1. Know How to Recognize Elder Manipulation
It can help to first understand how to recognize manipulation and toxic behavior from an elderly parent. Your parents may:
- Guilt trip you
- Withhold affection and love
- Insult you when things don’t go their way
- Insist on your constant presence in their life
- Disrespect your boundaries
- Make passive-aggressive comments
- Attempt to control your life and behavior
- Resist professional help
- Criticize your life choices and milestones
- Force their presence in your children’s lives
- Victimize themselves to get attention
All of these behaviors can drain your mental health as the child of an aging parent. It’s okay to seek help and support for them.
2. Get Comfortable Setting Boundaries and Sticking to Them
When you set a boundary with an aging loved one, they may call your bluff. They might not expect you to follow through, especially if you’ve had poor boundaries in the past. This might look like them calling you all hours of the day despite being told not to or continuing to insult and demean you.
Set clear, firm boundaries and stick to them. Over time, your parent will realize that they won’t get their way by acting out.
If you need to go low or no contact to achieve this, that’s okay. It can also be okay to continue your relationship with your parent if you want. Just make sure you care for your own well-being, too.
3. Consider Medical and Cognitive Issues
Has your parent always acted this way, or are their health and cognitive issues taking over? This doesn’t make their manipulative behavior acceptable, but it can give you some perspective on their actions. Sometimes, just knowing that these behaviors are outside of their control can help you feel a bit better.
4. Take Breaks From Caring for Them
If your parent is demeaning you and you’re their sole caregiver, consider taking a break. Ask a loved one to take over their care for a few days, or hire a respite care service. Every caregiver needs a break, and you aren’t a “bad child” for needing one. Use that time to care for yourself and spend time with others.
5. Practice Compassion and Empathy
Whenever possible, try to imagine your parent’s life from their perspective. They may feel sad, lonely, scared, and angry about aging. That doesn’t excuse bad behavior, but it can certainly shed light on any outbursts and manipulation you’re experiencing from them.
Abuse of any kind is never okay. If your parent has always had manipulative and harmful behaviors, it might be time to detach from them a little. However, if these emotional swings are new and unexpected, try talking to them about their feelings. They may just need a non-judgmental listening ear and some extra support.
6. Build a Self-Care Routine
Self-care includes anything that makes you feel better mentally, physically, spiritually, and socially. It’s a necessity as a family caregiver and can prevent burnout and power struggles between you and your parent.
For you, self-care might look like:
- Visiting a friend
- Eating at your favorite restaurant
- Taking a hot bubble bath
- Journaling
- Making crafts and art
- Exercising
- Taking a walk outside
- Deep breathing
- Participating in spiritual practices
- Watching a movie
- Calling a friend for support
Whatever your self-care routine looks like, know that it’s valid. You can start small by incorporating just one activity into your daily routine that’s solely for your benefit. This is difficult for many caregivers, but it’s well worth the effort.
Protecting Your Peace With Senior Parents
Caring for an aging loved one can be challenging. It’s essential to set boundaries and protect your mental well-being. At the same time, your parent deserves the best care possible.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help from professionals or other loved ones if things get difficult. You’re never alone, and support for both you and your parent is always available.
If you or your family member is considering in-home care as part of a plan to age in place, contact Family Matters In-Home Care today for a free consultation. Our team is dedicated to supporting your family and helping older adults enjoy life in the comfort of their own home for as long as possible.
Some of the services offered by Family Matter In-Home Care include: Alzheimer’s & Dementia Care, Bed & Wheelchair Transfer Assistance, Companionship, Housekeeping & Meal Preparation, Personal Care, Recovery Care, and Transportation.
Serving the San Francisco Bay Area and Greater San Diego, Family Matter In-Home Care has offices throughout California.
